dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
