I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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