I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Randomize
