so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Little spoons don't ask big questions
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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