we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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