I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
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Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
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Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips