Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
