I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
