everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
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only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
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I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
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