No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Randomize
