I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
