Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
My dick has a subreddit
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
