Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
