sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
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her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
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No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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