Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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