I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
