i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
