I wish I could teleport
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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