I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
