I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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