Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
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Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Randomize