i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
