u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
