I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
