My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Randomize
