Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
