I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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