you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
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