I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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