I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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