I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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