My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Found the puke drawer
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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