my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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