the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Randomize
