you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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