i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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