She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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