Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I supernannyed him into submission
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
