Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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