I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
