he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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