That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
My penis needs a shock collar
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
