I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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