Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
