I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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