1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Let's get the cat blown out
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
