awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
