So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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