i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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