Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
