jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
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Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
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Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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