mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
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Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
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Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
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