thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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