My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
